I have two jobs. So it’s been two months since I’ve posted anything, and closer to three months since I’ve posted any new creative content. I feel like I’m drowning because of it.
I gave up a career in which I could have excelled were I happy, but I left that job to be a writer and the mother I always wished I could be to my son. My husband graciously supported me in that endeavor but these things take time. The plan was always for me to get an easy part-time job that never had work that came home with me.
I am simply not that kind of person. Work never stays at work because I do everything with 110% of myself. My work is what defines me, and when I do work that doesn’t make me happy as a I result I become unhappy. Since July my depression has been worsening and worsening, which only flares my anxiety to unmanageable levels. In these months I’ve considered divorce a dozen or so times, suicide even in the worst of days, but I force myself to persevere. I force myself to brave the storms because I created them.
I like to believes somewhere in my subconscious I created these storms to test myself and my family, to see if we are great and capable as I’ve always believed. The other part of me is convinced these the consequences of selfish decision-making. Financial strain at the cost of happiness… But, alas, I insist that writing is a part of me because I’ve never been happier than when I could wake and write for anyone willing to read.
So forgive me if you’re still here. Forgive me if you’re not. Forgive me because in so many ways I can’t forgive myself. I hope that I will find the time to write here for you and grasp at those tendrils of joy that float at my fingertips. I would hope that you would be there waiting to see what it is I come up with in the future.
Please remember that I wish for your happiness.