A Prisoner’s Home

To you I say, “I’m taking a job that will makes us move far away,”

And you said back, “I will come because my home is wherever you go,”

But I saw that look on your face,

I know that you wanted to say ‘no.’

 

But I’m addicted to how much you need me,

So I’d rather let you sacrifice your dream,

Than be alone when I leave.

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~ I ~

I will not do, I will not be, and I will say,

I cannot do, I cannot be, and I cannot say,

I have never done, I have never been, and I have never said.

 

Three stages of reminders and assurance,

You have learned from your observance,

And you will never become what you saw,

And if you try to hard, then you will surely fall.

 

I will not do what he did, so I will do this this instead,

I will not be like her, so I will be like this instead,

I will not say what they said, so I will say this instead,

But your mistake is not realizing that the faster you run from one extreme,

The closer you are to the other.

 

I cannot do what he did because I am not like that,

I cannot be what she is because I am not like that,

I cannot say what she says because I am not like,

But when you say ‘cannot’ you do not claim the logic of freewill,

Instead you blame the limitations on your lack of mimicry.

 

I have never done, but in shadows you always did,

I have never been, but when nobody looked you always were,

I have never said, but in your mind you always thought,

And all those years you were sure you would never become that image of what you hate,

You just walked a different path that made you the same.

A False Faith

In God she trusts; in God she prays,

But in God she does not have faith.

 

In God she loves; In God she saves,

But in God she also hates.

 

In God she lies; In God she sins,

But in God she does not live.

 

So in God she judges and in God she blames,

And without God she exists every day.

It’s Not Me.

It’s not me, it’s you.
It’s everything thing you don’t do.
It’s when you keep quiet and sit down.
It’s when you fake a smile when you’d rather frown.
It’s when you lie and pretend,
and it’s when you think of others as a means to an end.
But there’s more to life than dragging others through the mud.
There’s so much about this life that you can love.
So when you walk away blaming me,
I have to think that there’s something in the mirror you must not see.

Author’s Note

 

I do feel obligated to note that this poem is not about any one person or any group of people I know in particular. It’s just a thought that has crossed my mind in these busy writing days of Nanowrimo plus my life experiences. Sometimes when I write poems, the people in my life ask me if the writing is about them or about something in particular, and with a writer – that is not always the case. I would never write something about someone in particular without first asking their permission.

Thank you,

Yours,

–ab

Gone are the Days

Gone are the days of anger and rage,

Only for a new song to play,

One wrought with defiance and righteousness.

 

Gone are the days of racism and hate,

Only for new prejudice to raise,

But we must prove there is still fight in us.

 

Gone are the days of sexism and rape,

But still self-entitled men decide our fate,

No more do we pretend to exist for a good fuck.

 

GONE ARE THE DAYS we must say,

GONE ARE THE DAYS they must sway,

GONE ARE THE DAYS where we must wish for luck.

 

GONE ARE THE DAYS are the words we’ve sung.

Loathing Simplified

Sketching on my danger days is very charming,

and it covers up that fact that I’m self-harming.

It personifies that Pain I feel in a way they can see.

Of course, the black and white doodles don’t help me.

Especially when there are secrets beneath my sleeves,

especially when there are lies between each heave –

of sorrow, of cheer, of exhaustion, and of fear –

hidden in those lost breaths are scars unhealed.

I do all I can to keep your stories straight,

so that you only see the self-love costuming my self-hate.

The Hate Within

I like the way I can’t breathe when I wake up;

I like the way I can’t see when I fuck up.

I love the way I can’t speak when you make me mad,

And I love more than anything…

The way I can’t find the strength to live when I feel sad.

 

I hate my rhymes and stories and songs,

I hate everything that ever happens so I just play along.

I hate when I smile and I hate when I laugh.

I hate thinking that you might judge me so fast.

I hate that I hate everything.

I literally hate everything.

 

I even hate the way I like the terrible things that make me feel like death.

And the worst part is – I haven’t figured out what to do about it yet.

I supposed I could drown in medication so that I could function.

I could take a pill every day so that I could live without disruption.

But those are I coulds – not I wills.

I have no desire to replace my meltdowns with pills.

The only thing I want to depend on is me, myself, and I; and what I know to be true.

And this is what I know today – I hate myself, but tomorrow I’ll hate you.

Dakota Grace Randall

Author’s Notes: It’s fascinating how someone else’s loss can remind you of your own. We’re very self-absorbed creatures, really. The recent loss of a loved one by someone I know brought back strong emotions from a loss I suffered myself – when I was only eleven years old. I remember it so clearly because it happened in the summer between elementary school and junior high. Dakota Grace Randall wasn’t just a cousin but a best friend. The best friend. So this is just my way of getting some of the pent up sadness that sneaks into my life and maybe a way to reach out to anyone hurting from the death of a love one these days. It hurts but it must always be felt so that we never forget.

 

DAKOTA

D – D is for the darkness I feel when I think of you on those days when I’m too lost to think straight.

A – And A is for everything that I used love and now hate because you’re gone away, supposedly in a better place.

K – K could be a variety of things but for me it’s just another letter in your beautiful name that I never get to say because I’m always crying instead.

O – Obviously this is for the orphaned feeling I get when I wake up every morning knowing that you are dead and all I have left of you is in my head.

T – T is for Time, but no such thing could ever possibly fix my shattered heart.

A – Again, and again, and again – because I keep waking up and you’re still not here and I’m still falling apart…

GRACE

Grace – there’s no accurate way to describe you.

Gracefully finding a quiet way into everything that I do.

Grace – something that I’ll never have.

Grace – something you took with you than I can never get back.

Grace – a name – a name that is just too painful to say.

RANDALL

 R – Really there’s no cure for a loss this big, this early, or this hard.

A – And I’ll never know whether I’ve finished my healing, or if I’m back at the start.

N – “Never say never,” but ‘never’ doesn’t describe – how hard I’m avoiding everything that I keep bottled inside.

D – Darkness that never fades; darkness that lasts for days upon days; darkness that has made a home in the middle of everything that I’ve used to build my life.

A – All I ever wanted was to pretend that I never knew you so that I could never hurt – but pretending you never existed only makes it worse.

L – Love is the only cure.

L – Love is something that I have for someone not of this Earth.