Dear Readers Who Are Still Here:
My unexpected absence from my blog the last two weeks was unintentional. I always feel obligated to provide an explanation. Maybe you don’t care; maybe you care enough to read this post; maybe you’ve been dying for an answer. Really, though, a big part of this post is just to satisfy the fact that I want to note what’s been going on for me that has continually disrupted my ability to remain a regular poster.
Firstly, it is extremely difficult to find time to write in a busy life. Some people are busier and accomplish more, while others are struggling to get anything accomplish with fewer “to dos” than I’ve got. We’re all facing different battles – and all of our activities are warring for the same time slots. I’ve found that my job, while part-time, requires far more of my life than I could have ever anticipated. Some people tell me that this is a good sign. They tell me that it’s because I’m such a great manager that work breaks its way into my life in a dozen different ways. Aside from having a job – I’m a mother shuffling a little boy around from activity to activity almost every single day. I am proud, although exhausted, to see that my son has the same drive to be excellent in everything he does in his life. I know that a brilliant future awaits him – even if my future is filled with very long naps.
Secondly, depression makes life stop. It suffocates you. It blackens your field of vision. It grabs ahold of every bone in your body and squeezes until the fractures become too many and your body crumbles under the weight of permeating sorrow. Depression doesn’t go away because you will it to do as much. Depression doesn’t cease to exist if you’re medicated. It is just an unfortunate presence that not everyone can be free of – and I happen to be one of those people. For a couple of weeks I’ve been feeling lost, hopeless, aimless, and exhausted from all my self-loathing. It’s like being caught in a maze with no exit. How can you write a clear sentence if you can’t even think about something with a clear mind?
Lastly, anxiety. I know that two of these three “bullet point” pertain to mental illness and that probably sounds like a copout to some people. The unfortunate reality is that mental illness is devastatingly good at deterring people from accomplishing simple tasks. As my schedule is determined to make me forget that I have a passion for writing, my depression is in opposition trying to remind me that I once loved to write ahead of vital activities such as eating and sleeping! In those tiniest moments as I am able to pull back and look at these two distinct states of mind (and of life, really) – it stresses me out to see that I’m perpetually setting myself up to fail. I am a control freak and I often have to be able to plan and dictate the outcome of nearly any scenario which involves my future. Scatterbrained scheduling and disruptive depression make it impossible for me to overcome any anxiety I feel by failing to reach personal goals.
Being inside my head is most certainly the equivalent to being inside of a tornado of glass.
Writing the World Wednesday is the only thing I’ve been able to keep up with even close to regularly since starting my blog. After I deleted my Tumblr blogs on accident a month ago, I haven’t really been able to build a following online that supplement that small readership I’ve built here. Spiraling downward from there, I found myself saying I was going to give up on trying to get published. Every day I would find a new way to discourage myself from even trying. If I wasn’t discouraging myself then I was finding yet another thing that would prevent me from being able to meeting my writing goals.
I never know what’s going to happen at work and that sucks. There’s no other way to put it. My personal life is similar to organized chaos. If I want to succeed in these conditions then I have to find a way to break free of this constant self-depravation. To do that I have identify the tools that hinder my growth and make myself the master of those things.
I want to start branching out into an area that I’ve not quite touched base on yet with Writing the World: religion. This requires a level of research and understanding that I’ve not yet acquired. I hope to post this coming Wednesday – and Thursday – and Friday! I need to get back to doing my short fiction pieces for the days I’m off of work. What better way to get back on the horse? Small steps – one at a time.
I have always appreciated your readership, and I will always think fondly of your for your support. What I did to deserve anything so humbling and kind is a mystery to me. Here’s to a brighter future!