Maybe It’s Me?

Oh Readers,

Success and failure are constructs that can suffocate us, and are far more rooted in personal perspective than actual clear-cut definitions. Your success isn’t my success, nor is it the other way around. Many of us share similar concepts of success and failures, and I’m sure somewhere someone reading this agrees with me when I say: this blog dances that line of failure.

When I went back to work, my time seemingly disappeared, and so I lost my way and my passion – as usually happens when I work. Writing is my passion and I want to do it professionally as my career desperately. So why is it so hard for me to put it first?

Oh yeah, because I am also passionate about being an advocate for those without voices and without confidence to use their voice. This is why I work with children, this is why I prioritize my child’s life and passions before my own. When I write I aim to give people something they can connect with and feel represented by, and so writing directly relates to how successful I feel when trying to give representation. The less I write, the less successful I feel.

So I don’t think about this blog unless I have a project to post. For example, I have a book review I have drafted on paper that I need to type and finalize for posting. I wanted desperately for this place to be my platform for original work, and now it’s just a way to get exposure for my work. I’ve had some exciting connections from this project but with its inactivity, those connections are simply that – connections. They are not leads, nor opportunities, and so I again find myself thinking of this blog as a failure.

In addition to being too caught up in the work I do each day with people I can share a smile and laugh with, I’ve been helping other writer friends and family through teaming up to take writing classes online with Coursera. Even though we have been auditing the class, we evaluate one another and push each other to be more than what we were on the last piece we wrote. I’ve had a ton of time to grow and improve in areas where I’ve been weak in the past. I am working on my writing but you cannot see it.

And that makes me feel like a failure too. There’s not many of you watching, if any anymore, but those that *are* watching see that I’ve disappeared. I don’t want to do that, and I don’t want this blog to end this way. Somehow, though, I don’t know how to dig myself out of a hole enough to genuinely promise more content.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m not going to be able to really focus on this the way I want until I have an income from my published work, or until my husband is making enough money for me to be a “homemaker” – if I ever choose to do only that with myself. I’ve always been a fan of seeing my work grow in front of my eyes, with others to share in the joy of success as defined by me, occasionally my peers. Perhaps that instant gratification is the addiction my anxiety has given me, or perhaps it is the product of my generation’s love of technology, but it is my obstacle to overcome.

I finish projects, but then I do nothing with them. I’ve a many pieces that just don’t feel right enough to be “that piece” that gives me my start in the world of literature and fiction. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s not – but no matter what I’m doing (or not doing) with this blog, know that this isn’t the end of it. It’s not dying – it’s just taking a really long nap.

(And maybe I should too).

Yours,

xoxo -ab

Boy Does Time Fly… Like, Too Fast

Dear Readers,

Somehow my dream to prove I’m a capable writer through the art of blogging died – because somehow I can’t make myself compromise the real-life demands of traditional employment with my goals set in stone to write professionally. To all the authors and bloggers making a livable wage from writing *while* being employed elsewhere – lend my your strength!

My blog sort of died (yes, I would say died) in about a year. It really is terribly difficult to maintain a schedule when you have a job which maintains zero set scheduling. As I take another financial risk to have a less demanding position with a set schedule fulfilling part-time hours – MAYBE, and I don’t dare to say more than MAYBE, I will be able to get back into the writing I’d intended for this blog.

I think, unfortunately, I will have to create fresh projects to make it relevant once again. Though I am saddened at my failure, I do feel new life breathing over me. When I go long periods of time without writing it is as if I have lost a part of myself. I cannot exist without a venue to write and share the creative words bouncing around in my brain.

Writing is a lifestyle – and it has got to be my lifestyle.

Before ending this post, allow me to take a moment to thank the few people who have been straggling about my blog and reading bits of my work. Those lone views and likes are what keep my alive – honestly. It reminds me of my purpose and my aspirations when I feel surrounded by darkness. Knowing that somehow, someway, someone has found their way onto my blog – that sends a light into my life. So thank you for all that you do simply by browsing my content. You are fantastic, you are, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Until the next post,

Yours,

-ab

2 Months & Counting: A Complaint Post about being a grown up…

Dear Readers,

I have two jobs. So it’s been two months since I’ve posted anything, and closer to three months since I’ve posted any new creative content. I feel like I’m drowning because of it.

I gave up a career in which I could have excelled were I happy, but I left that job to be a writer and the mother I always wished I could be to my son. My husband graciously supported me in that endeavor but these things take time. The plan was always for me to get an easy part-time job that never had work that came home with me.

I am simply not that kind of person. Work never stays at work because I do everything with 110% of myself. My work is what defines me, and when I do work that doesn’t make me happy as a I result I become unhappy. Since July my depression has been worsening and worsening, which only flares my anxiety to unmanageable levels. In these months I’ve considered divorce a dozen or so times, suicide even in the worst of days, but I force myself to persevere. I force myself to brave the storms because I created them.

I like to believes somewhere in my subconscious I created these storms to test myself and my family, to see if we are great and capable as I’ve always believed. The other part of me is convinced these the consequences of selfish decision-making. Financial strain at the cost of happiness… But, alas, I insist that writing is a part of me because I’ve never been happier than when I could wake and write for anyone willing to read.

So forgive me if you’re still here. Forgive me if you’re not. Forgive me because in so many ways I can’t forgive myself. I hope that I will find the time to write here for you and grasp at those tendrils of joy that float at my fingertips. I would hope that you would be there waiting to see what it is I come up with in the future.

Please remember that I wish for your happiness.

Yours,

ab

General Update on the Hiatus.

Dear Readers & New Followers <3<3

I’ve been on hiatus for several weeks now and I’ve been avoiding an update post for many reasons. Most of them are just stupid reasons to put off addressing the very real fact that I’ve been investing myself in everything except writing for my blog. It may not seem that way when I’m posting several poems over the course of seven to ten days, but I’m not adhering to the schedule I set out for myself when I began this venture back in July.

As such, I think I may have to change my front page to completely eliminate a schedule at all. Honesty is something that I value as a person and as a writer. So, with honesty in mind, I have no idea if I’ll ever be able to get back to the right schedule. I know I’ll be going back to Writing the World Wednesday for December – because too much time has lapsed! Writing the World Wednesday was my favorite part of this blog because it had the most thought put into what I was trying to convey and accomplish as well as the overall planning and movement. I can’t wait to get back to it.

But as for Flash Fiction stories – those happen when there’s time. As it stands – with me being a retail manager now – who knows with the holidays when I’ll have the time or even the energy to properly write a short fiction piece? I don’t. That’s how I landed myself in this hiatus in the first place! Poems are much more manageable right now. Also, I’m just more inspired for poetry in the winter season. You see more of a person’s inner thoughts because it’s hard to hide when you’re surrounded by piles of white snow. And I will eventually be surrounded by snow because I live in Indiana and that’s the kind of stuff that happens here.

So I will be thinking about a revised front page over the next week or two to accurately reflect what I’m capable of doing at this time. I want a career in writing and understand the value of a regular blog with content – so I’m not abandoning my post – (isn’t that a punny joke)! I will be doing something on the blog always because I can’t get out there if I’m not putting my content out there.

And as long as I’m writing something – I am building my repertoire!

To wrap all of this up – I want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog and likes my posts. I am glad that you are finding value in the things that I write. These words are all special to me in the order I’ve presented them and for you to enjoy them is an honor. I hope to continue pleasing you with my eclectic posting style for the time being, and maybe someday you’ll own published work of mine!

Also, a very specific thanks to Screamin’ Mamas for really helping me get exposed. I cannot wait for the Valentine’s Edition with my work to arrive! It will be oh-so-nice to have something of mine actually published! It is just a tiny step, but it is certainly in the right direction.

Have a lovely night, day, week, month, year, decade, or century. I love having you here reading my work. There’s never a dull moment in the life of a writer.

Yours,

ab