Gone are the Days

Gone are the days of anger and rage,

Only for a new song to play,

One wrought with defiance and righteousness.

 

Gone are the days of racism and hate,

Only for new prejudice to raise,

But we must prove there is still fight in us.

 

Gone are the days of sexism and rape,

But still self-entitled men decide our fate,

No more do we pretend to exist for a good fuck.

 

GONE ARE THE DAYS we must say,

GONE ARE THE DAYS they must sway,

GONE ARE THE DAYS where we must wish for luck.

 

GONE ARE THE DAYS are the words we’ve sung.

Loathing Simplified

Sketching on my danger days is very charming,

and it covers up that fact that I’m self-harming.

It personifies that Pain I feel in a way they can see.

Of course, the black and white doodles don’t help me.

Especially when there are secrets beneath my sleeves,

especially when there are lies between each heave –

of sorrow, of cheer, of exhaustion, and of fear –

hidden in those lost breaths are scars unhealed.

I do all I can to keep your stories straight,

so that you only see the self-love costuming my self-hate.

Celebrate Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all you tired moms, energetic moms, and the moms somewhere in between the two;
To the sad moms, happy moms, and moms who-can’t-decide-exactly-what-they-are-today;
To new moms, old moms, and would-be moms;
To the rich moms, poor moms, and moms who don’t know what they are because they spend all their money on their kids;
To the modern mom, traditional moms, and making-it-up-as-you go moms;
To moms of all colors, religions, and sexualities;
You are the best moms you can be and that’s good enough.

The Hate Within

I like the way I can’t breathe when I wake up;

I like the way I can’t see when I fuck up.

I love the way I can’t speak when you make me mad,

And I love more than anything…

The way I can’t find the strength to live when I feel sad.

 

I hate my rhymes and stories and songs,

I hate everything that ever happens so I just play along.

I hate when I smile and I hate when I laugh.

I hate thinking that you might judge me so fast.

I hate that I hate everything.

I literally hate everything.

 

I even hate the way I like the terrible things that make me feel like death.

And the worst part is – I haven’t figured out what to do about it yet.

I supposed I could drown in medication so that I could function.

I could take a pill every day so that I could live without disruption.

But those are I coulds – not I wills.

I have no desire to replace my meltdowns with pills.

The only thing I want to depend on is me, myself, and I; and what I know to be true.

And this is what I know today – I hate myself, but tomorrow I’ll hate you.

Une Nuit

You’ll never love as hard as me,

But I’ll never see what you see,

And neither of us will ever agree.

There was nothing here for us to believe.

So what’s the difference if I stay or leave?

Wasn’t this just time we spent leisurely;

Or pleasurably; enjoying one another’s company?

I don’t think we ever agreed to live together happily.

We just wanted a quick release.

All the fun we had – those were wants, not needs.

Dakota Grace Randall

Author’s Notes: It’s fascinating how someone else’s loss can remind you of your own. We’re very self-absorbed creatures, really. The recent loss of a loved one by someone I know brought back strong emotions from a loss I suffered myself – when I was only eleven years old. I remember it so clearly because it happened in the summer between elementary school and junior high. Dakota Grace Randall wasn’t just a cousin but a best friend. The best friend. So this is just my way of getting some of the pent up sadness that sneaks into my life and maybe a way to reach out to anyone hurting from the death of a love one these days. It hurts but it must always be felt so that we never forget.

 

DAKOTA

D – D is for the darkness I feel when I think of you on those days when I’m too lost to think straight.

A – And A is for everything that I used love and now hate because you’re gone away, supposedly in a better place.

K – K could be a variety of things but for me it’s just another letter in your beautiful name that I never get to say because I’m always crying instead.

O – Obviously this is for the orphaned feeling I get when I wake up every morning knowing that you are dead and all I have left of you is in my head.

T – T is for Time, but no such thing could ever possibly fix my shattered heart.

A – Again, and again, and again – because I keep waking up and you’re still not here and I’m still falling apart…

GRACE

Grace – there’s no accurate way to describe you.

Gracefully finding a quiet way into everything that I do.

Grace – something that I’ll never have.

Grace – something you took with you than I can never get back.

Grace – a name – a name that is just too painful to say.

RANDALL

 R – Really there’s no cure for a loss this big, this early, or this hard.

A – And I’ll never know whether I’ve finished my healing, or if I’m back at the start.

N – “Never say never,” but ‘never’ doesn’t describe – how hard I’m avoiding everything that I keep bottled inside.

D – Darkness that never fades; darkness that lasts for days upon days; darkness that has made a home in the middle of everything that I’ve used to build my life.

A – All I ever wanted was to pretend that I never knew you so that I could never hurt – but pretending you never existed only makes it worse.

L – Love is the only cure.

L – Love is something that I have for someone not of this Earth.